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TRUMP CROSSING THE DELAWARE
This iconic American masterpiece, painted in oil by Donald Trump himself, depicts his most loyal advisers following his detailed orders as they row across a river of liberal tears. As in life, Trump has surrounded himself with a diverse staff of loyal white people, each believing that he or she is the grownup keeping the boat from sinking.
Vice President Mike Pence and Chief of Staff John Kelly are shown frantically trying to dislodge ice while the president ignores Kelly and stomps squarely on Pence's testicles. At the bow sits Trump's daughter Ivanka, always nearby so the president can indulge in a long, non-creepy stare. Jeff Sessions, whom the president clearly regrets bringing, is tasked with helping son-in-law Jared Kushner keep the American Flag warm. The foreign policy team -- Bolton, Mattis, Pompeo -- huddle astern, envious that adviser Stephen Miller somehow gets to hold the rudder. Records are unclear as to how Kellyanne Conway stuck around through so many revisions to the painting, but she's still there and that's worth something. Sarah Huckabee Sanders, meanwhile, has never been happier.
Modern X-ray analysis has revealed that an earlier version of the work showed Vladimir Putin in the water, shirtless and singlehandedly tugging the boat wherever he wants it to go, but this was later covered up. |